Previously on The Secret Life of the American Teenager:

Adrian and Ben are gonna get engaged. Hasn't happened yet, but it's a given. Grace is having an STD test, but no one really cares much about the results because we all know she's gonna fuck Grant regardless. Amy and Ricky wanna do it SO SO BAD, and Amy can't stop telling her dad aaaalll about it. The girl who plays Ashley is awful, but she has amazing hair. Ricky's birth mom is in town and staying with him and he ain't cool with it, so he asked his foster parents (who he considers his real parents) to take her in.

Nora & Margaret (Ricky's foster mom) meet. So can we talk about this weirdness about who Ricky calls Mom??? Have none of these people heard of the term "birth mom"? Not that I have a problem with him referring to both of them as Mom, because whatever, who cares, but there's all this totally needless ANGST about it.

Margaret: No, I didn't know you had allergies, because you seem to have the immune system of a horse.
Nora: An insult like that would be seen as a come on in the big house, sista.

OH GODDDD NORA IS GAY THIS IS GOING TO BE A DEAL GODDD


Their faces when they figure it out. ("It means... your mom is a lesbian??") I mean this would be funnier if that wasn't Ben's face 90% of the time. Ricky angsts about it of COURSE, but eventually is actually really cool about it, and their conversation is sort of adorable.



So nice.

Amy is just being so proactive with her sexuality you guys. I couldn't even transcribe the conversation she had with George, it was too awful, all like I AM REALLY GONNA HAVE SEX, OKAY, and he's like I REALLY DON'T WANT YOU TO HAVE SEX and she's like SEX SEX SEX and he's like SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX


Amy: Teen pregnancy joke?
George: Teen-who-won't-have-sex-after-being-pregnant joke.
Amy: Ah. Funny.

Ashley is tryin'a get mom/EVERYONE to do her dang biology project, and the actress who plays her is still terrible, even in the context of this show, where the ONLY REMOTELY DECENT PLAYERS are the girl who plays Grace and Jennifer Coolidge and MAYBE the dude who plays George.

Ashley: This is on ecosystems. This is planet Earth and this is a picture of my world, a microsystem of the larger planetary sytem. And when you put another life into a shaky ecosystem, where people are fighting for food and water and attention, the system becomes vulenrable. And when there are too many lives added to an already vulnerable sustem, the system collapses. After the world collapses, the survivors start over again, sometimes reproducing with other species.


Can we talk about this for a minute? Ashley is acting out y'all, and pretty much nobody cares. She's exhibiting some CONFUSING ass cries for attention and everyone's just like HOMESCHOOLING, ALSO YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS, YOU'RE WEEEIRD, like christ, what a shitty family, no wonder she's so pissed off.

Ashley: I'M SICK OF MY WHOLE LIFE BEING RUINED BECAUSE PEOPLE KEEP HAVING BABIES

Slackin' on the Grace front. No Grant at all this episode. Poop. We do get this nice scene with Grace & Adrian where they have a conversation about sex/boys, and it ALMOST sounds like a real conversation real girls would have. There are flickers where they're laughing and it's vaguely believable.

Grace: You're not gonna have... sex... with Ben, though, are you?


Adrian: And if you have any doubts [about having sex with Grant], don't do it.
Grace: And if YOU have any doubts, just don't do it. Don't do anything.
Adrian: And what does that mean?
Grace: You know what that means. Don't get married to Ben just because you're pregnant and you like all the nice things he does for you and the baby. You have to really love him to marry him, Adrian, if you don't it's just not fair.
Adrian: Well he hasn't asked me, and he may never ask me, so I don't have to decide that, do I.


Oh, Adrian. Even GRACE knows what's up. Can we please have cool spicy Latina Adrian back please :( :( Ben is taking Adrian out to Papi's Tacos. I really hope a Papi's Tacos exists somewhere because I really love the name, and Adrian manages to say it like 80000 times. Papi's Tacos Papi's Tacos I want Papi's Tacos!!! The repetition on this show is just weird and sounds totally unnatural, I'm not sure why they insist on it so hard.

Adrian: You know who loves Papi's Tacos more than I do? Ben. He LOOOOVES tacos. That's his favorite place. Papi's.


Ruben: Do you love him, Adrian?
Adrian: UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I thiiiiink... so? Yeah, yeah, he's a nice guy.

Ben has been running around getting everyone's (no one's) approval. Ruben is GUNG FUCKING HO about the wedding, especially it being before the baby comes because DUH unmarried women having babies is the MOST SHAMEFUL. Leo thinks it should be a year after the baby comes (so smart), and from what I can tell, Betty doesn't think they should get married at all - she pretends to, and definitely doesn't try to hide it.


Betty: You know, Ben, when really people love each other, they lie for each other. And one day, when you're married, you'll lie for Adrian, and she'll lie for you. It's fun.

JENNIFER COOLIDGE YOU ARE TOO WONDERFUL FOR THIS SHOW. I hope they're paying you well gurl!!!

Adrian's mom, who was VERY against the marriage (and against Adrian having the baby to the point that she was DOWN for an abortion, and basically the only bastion of cool on this show left) is now totally fine with it.... sigh.

Ben: Thank you.. mom.
Adrian's mom: *hugs* Ben you are a charmer and Adrian is a very lucky girl. Except, of course, she got pregnant when she didn't really wanna get pregnant... but anyway, she's lucky to have you.
Ruben: Welcome to the family, SON.


Adrian: I love you Ben. Wait, I think you said you love me, right?
Ben: Yeah, I did.
Adrian: I love you too! :OO she's moving! She's moving right now!

I WOULD HOPE THIS HAD BEEN WELL-ESTABLISHED PRE-PROPOSAL BUT I GUESS NOT, ARRRRRRGHHH THIS SHOW

Tune in next week for the wedding :| I hate everything.

-hannah

Previously on The Secret Life of the American Teenager:

Ben & Adrian are pregnant with a girl and are making puppy-eyes at each other. Amy wants to boink Ricky, and is waiting on his STD test to decide she wants to get married first. Jack slept around more than Grace thought, so she needs to have an STD test too before Grant will sleep with her. She REALLY doesn't want one, so Grant REALLY won't sleep with her. Ricky's mom showed up to town and is crashing at his place.

Nora: Wow, this is kind of. Sick. My son is dating a woman who looks like his mother. Not dating. Worse. Wow.

They REALLY don't look that much alike except for being skinny white girls with long brown hair. Do respect Amy allowing it to be Ricky's decision to let mom into John's life (although I'm pretty sure any real parent would have been like NOPE YOUR EX-CON MOM DOESN'T GET TO HANG OUT WITH MY KID, LATER). Ricky is weirded out by the association of his mom and Amy.

Ricky: You don't look like my mother even if you look like my mother.


LOOK AT HIS EARS C: C: C:

Grace and Jack have a talk and... DRUMROLL PLS... an actually decently emotionally effective scene.

Jack: You know, I was good this summer. I didn't do anything and, whoo, I had plenty of opportunities to do everything.
Grace: Yeah, apparently you've always had plenty of opportunities to do everything. And you always took full advantage of those opportunities.
Jack: Not always. And I don't really need or want to do that anymore. Take advantage of every opportunity.
Grace: So you had had sex before we had sex.
Jack: I thought you would have had assumed that.
Grace: Uh!
Jack: I kinda did it because you didn't want me having sex with other girls, so I just thought you knew I had sex with other girls.
Grace: No, not really! I knew that you did what you did with Adrian but I didn't... ugh! You had sex not oral sex, sex with her?
Jack: Look, I told you to go get tested. What more do you want from me? This is as honest as I care to get with an ex-girlfriend who's seeing someone else! And you know what? I need my space.


GOD JACK IS THE WORST. This is the only part of this show so far where I have actually felt emotions beyond This Is The Worst Writing Ever for any character. Kudos to the actress who plays Grace - the first time I watched this scene my heart was really going out to the girl. He totally betrayed her and she is hurting. Apparently this is the clincher and she is Never. Having. Sex. Ever. Again.

Ah but then Grant shows up and says he loves her so everything's okay.

Grant: Come on, you disease-ridden skank, you know I love you.

So the sex is back on!!! Grace is gonna get tested. They managed to shoot him from the least flattering angle so through the entire scene I am thinking about how unfortunate his face is ;_;

Ben wants to move in with Adrian so he can clean up poopy diapers in the middle of the night I guess, and she's not down?

Adrian: Ben, we're not ready to live together!
Ben: We're not ready to have a baby together, but we're having a baby and I wanna be with you and the baby.
Adrian: I know, and I really appreciate that you've so stepped up the plate here, Ben. And you've just been been so responsible and kind and considerate and everything else but...
Ben: *puppy eyes*
Adrian: I'm not living with you! Okay! I'm definitely not living with you unless we're married.


HIS FUCKING FACE. It's like this kid's life is hell unless he has a wife in the works. UGGH Adrian's all "THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEAAAANT" but you know with the way her character is progressing their asses are as good as hitched in three episodes. Leo gives sage SAGE advice, telling Ben to wait 'til a year after the baby is born.

Ben: A year? My daughter's supposed to walk around a YEAR without knowing her mother and father are married?
Leo: They don't walk the first year.

DAAAAAAADDD I WANNA GET MARRIED RIGHT NOOOWWWWW god what a nerd

Madison's dad is trying to get her back together with Jack.


Dad: This is your opportunity to get back in the game, son! And when you get back in the game, just... remember what the rules of the game are.
Jack: Yes, sir. Is there any kind of compromising on that?

WHY ARE THEY ALL SO CREEPER AND WEIRD. It seems like everyone is pretty skeptical about this new boyfriend.




Amy: Don't tell me you broke up with Jack for this Stanley guy.

...even Amy's dumb ass knows what a weirdo he is. CAN'T BLAME HER BECAUSE HE LITERALLY LOOKS 35


Madison's dad: He's simple, and again, creepy! Why would you wanna go out with him.
Madison: Because he likes me! He really likes me! He says nice things to me :(
Madison's dad: Like what?
Madison: I don't know... like that I smell nice and that my hair's pretty and I have a great body :) :)
Madison's dad: WHAT??
Madison: What? I do!!!


God, I love her. Why don't they let her be awesome?

Madison: EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT THE FOOD COURT IS LIKE A STEAMING BOWL OF STYROFOAM AND SEX
Madison's dad: The food court is where people have breakfast, lunch, and dinner while shopping.

Aaaaand Ashley's still tryin'a be homeschooled. Molly Ringwald is fine with it, and George is not, probably because it requires more work for him. "This is broken home schooling." He's scheming with Griffin to get Ashley back in regular school.


Have I ever mentioned how Griffin is a big part of my love for this show?

George: Why are you doing this? Is it because your mother and I are divorced?
Ashley. Most kids' parents are divorced. No one cares.

So, tune in next week to count down the seconds til Adrian accepts Ben's proposal, Grace forces herself on Grant, and Madison does..... something cool and adorable!

-hannah

The Secret Life of the American Teenager is BACK, motherfuckers!!! This show is my favorite on so many levels. The writing is GODAWFUL (especially when you see it written out), the acting is terrible, the themes are. Well. It's worth a look if only for shits and giggles, if you have the stomach (or the hunger) for bad TV, as I do. It's on Hulu for those of us watching in the US.

School's started up again, and Adrian is (apparently) heavily pregnant. Ricky and the kids make a big show about how HUUUUGE SHE IS OMG, but I mean, we all knew she was PREGNANT. And of course the former *spicy Latina* is now wearing bridal white. Grace and Grant are both gagging-for-it as ever, and discuss this openly in as clinical terms as is the show's custom. Not without a stern warning from Adrian.

Adrian: I hope you two know that if you're having sex, THIS is what can happen.

Still infuriated by the sharp, confusing turn Adrian's character took. She was the awesome sex-positive In Control Of My Own Goddamn Body one!!! The ONLY one. I mean, I get that this does happen in real life - ladies get pregnant and change their minds and whatever - but it's still kind of gross for me ideologically. I just wanted ONE abortion guys! Just the ONE would've made me happy.

Amy and Ricky have decided they're ready to bump uglies over the summer, which just. Ugh. Why does EVERY GIRL want him??? He's not even a BAD boy, he's just a little troubled, horny and BORING. I guess less boring than most of the other guys on the show.


This is the "Get Tested You Guys" show, so of course everyone's talking about getting tested. Ricky's weirdly resistant, so instead of just GOING TO GET TESTED LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING, he decides to ask every girl he's slept with if they're clean. THAT goes over real well.

Ricky: I had to make some phone calls. I know you have a rule about that, but I had to call some people.
Bunny: What PEOPLE are more important than your JOB?
Ricky: Some girls I slept with.

(He eventually goes, but not without ANGSTING ABOUT IT HARD. And of course he ends up at the same clinic his foster-mom works at!)



Creeper.

Ashley decides to be home-schooled. Probably because she's sick of watching Ricky try to have sex with everyone but her. She stops by the new school counselor to get the "homeschooling yourself" paperwork (is this even an option???) and. GASP.


I never watched 7th Heaven, but the actress-recycling is pretty awesome.

Ashley: I don't like the teachers or the students, I don't like the lockers or the hallways, or the classrooms or the lunchroom, and I don't like the rules or the regulations or the requirements or the report cards. And I hate, I absolutely HATE, anyone who thinks she can help me.

Ben & Adrian are finding out the sex of the baby today. Can I say that I just LOVE Ben's hair???


Ben: You seem cranky. Not having sex not working out for you?
Ricky: It's gonna work out for me.
Ben: Really because it didn't work out the last time you had sex with Amy.
Ricky: Yeah, actually, it did.
Ben: Oh, I see. Then I guess it worked out for me and Adrian too, because we're also having a baby.

(SPOILER: "Es una nina.")

In true Secret Life form, the kids are casually informing their parents of their Readiness For Sex like it's nbd.

George: I'm unflappable. You can't flap me.
Amy: I asked Ricky to get tested.
George: For what??
Amy: For you know what.
George: Because?
Amy: Because we might have sex. I might have sex with him. At some point.
George: You two are gonna have sex?
Amy: Eventually, probably.
George. Interesting.
Amy: Interesting? That's all you're gonna say about that, interesting?
George: Well I guess it's your decision, whether or not to have sex. Yours and Ricky's.
Amy: I guess it is.

I know this show is supposed to *start dialogue* or whatever, but do they even READ what they write???

Grace and Grant have also decided they're ready for sex, so, OBVIOUSLY, they're asking Grace's mom for her blessing. Obviously she's down (not). "You did wait, and I would like you to wait a while longer." Grace is DEFINITELY cool with that (not). So then they have the Getting Tested Talk and they're both so up for it! Not. Since Grace had sex with Jack who had sex with Adrian who had sex with EVERYONE, Grant thinks she should get tested but not him. Natch.

Grace: We only had sex one time AND we used a condom.
Grant: The entire time you used a condom?
Grace: What? I don't know! I don't remember, anyway! He took care of ...that. I wasn't paying attention to that.
Grant: Yeah yeah I know, because you were enjoying it so much.

Dudes, Grace REALLY wants to get it on. I like Bossy Horny Grace way way better than Preachy Annoying Grace.

Tom is now Vice President of Human Resources at some faceless corporation! The only ONLY positive thing I have ever found about this show (and I'm not even sure it's legit) is the treatment of Tom - as a guy with Downs Syndrome, he's still totally treated as another normal person by all the other characters and he can be pretty feisty.


Madison has a new bf who's 20. ("Dad, I can't HELP how old he is!") Jack is butthurt, but her dad is even less stoked.

Madison's dad: While you're in high school, I want you date someone who's in high school, PLEASE.
Madison: That's the thing dad! He IS in high school! Well kind of. He's at a technical high school. He went back for his diploma. He had to drop out because of some family problems, but he went back, and I think that's admirable.


I love her.

Housekeeping: Lauren's boring boyfriend who we've never seen but hear a LOT about broke up with her, citing the classic "We'll Probably Break Up Later Anyway". Oh BOYS. Henry and Alice are still together, we still don't get to hear much about them. The kid who plays John is still ADORABLE.


George decided to get all wifey and cooks dinner for the girls every night and never goes out. Jennifer Coolidge is still an awesome, inexplicable part of the show. Bunny is still by far my favorite character. Molly Ringwald showed up momentarily but didn't actually DO anything.

Ricky: With? No, I'm not with [Amy], we're just dating. But thanks for asking.

SURPRISE ENDING: Ricky's mom is back????? George has no girlfriend apparently??? Madison's older dude??? Adrian wearing white (instead of red) 24/7???? Stay tuned!!

-hannah