The Secret Life of the American Teenager is BACK, motherfuckers!!! This show is my favorite on so many levels. The writing is GODAWFUL (especially when you see it written out), the acting is terrible, the themes are. Well. It's worth a look if only for shits and giggles, if you have the stomach (or the hunger) for bad TV, as I do. It's on Hulu for those of us watching in the US.
School's started up again, and Adrian is (apparently) heavily pregnant. Ricky and the kids make a big show about how HUUUUGE SHE IS OMG, but I mean, we all knew she was PREGNANT. And of course the former *spicy Latina* is now wearing bridal white. Grace and Grant are both gagging-for-it as ever, and discuss this openly in as clinical terms as is the show's custom. Not without a stern warning from Adrian.
Adrian: I hope you two know that if you're having sex, THIS is what can happen.
Still infuriated by the sharp, confusing turn Adrian's character took. She was the awesome sex-positive In Control Of My Own Goddamn Body one!!! The ONLY one. I mean, I get that this does happen in real life - ladies get pregnant and change their minds and whatever - but it's still kind of gross for me ideologically. I just wanted ONE abortion guys! Just the ONE would've made me happy.
Amy and Ricky have decided they're ready to bump uglies over the summer, which just. Ugh. Why does EVERY GIRL want him??? He's not even a BAD boy, he's just a little troubled, horny and BORING. I guess less boring than most of the other guys on the show.
This is the "Get Tested You Guys" show, so of course everyone's talking about getting tested. Ricky's weirdly resistant, so instead of just GOING TO GET TESTED LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING, he decides to ask every girl he's slept with if they're clean. THAT goes over real well.
Ricky: I had to make some phone calls. I know you have a rule about that, but I had to call some people.
Bunny: What PEOPLE are more important than your JOB?
Ricky: Some girls I slept with.
(He eventually goes, but not without ANGSTING ABOUT IT HARD. And of course he ends up at the same clinic his foster-mom works at!)
Creeper.
Ashley decides to be home-schooled. Probably because she's sick of watching Ricky try to have sex with everyone but her. She stops by the new school counselor to get the "homeschooling yourself" paperwork (is this even an option???) and. GASP.
I never watched 7th Heaven, but the actress-recycling is pretty awesome.
Ashley: I don't like the teachers or the students, I don't like the lockers or the hallways, or the classrooms or the lunchroom, and I don't like the rules or the regulations or the requirements or the report cards. And I hate, I absolutely HATE, anyone who thinks she can help me.
Ben & Adrian are finding out the sex of the baby today. Can I say that I just LOVE Ben's hair???
Ben: You seem cranky. Not having sex not working out for you?
Ricky: It's gonna work out for me.
Ben: Really because it didn't work out the last time you had sex with Amy.
Ricky: Yeah, actually, it did.
Ben: Oh, I see. Then I guess it worked out for me and Adrian too, because we're also having a baby.
(SPOILER: "Es una nina.")
In true Secret Life form, the kids are casually informing their parents of their Readiness For Sex like it's nbd.
George: I'm unflappable. You can't flap me.
Amy: I asked Ricky to get tested.
George: For what??
Amy: For you know what.
George: Because?
Amy: Because we might have sex. I might have sex with him. At some point.
George: You two are gonna have sex?
Amy: Eventually, probably.
George. Interesting.
Amy: Interesting? That's all you're gonna say about that, interesting?
George: Well I guess it's your decision, whether or not to have sex. Yours and Ricky's.
Amy: I guess it is.
I know this show is supposed to *start dialogue* or whatever, but do they even READ what they write???
Grace and Grant have also decided they're ready for sex, so, OBVIOUSLY, they're asking Grace's mom for her blessing. Obviously she's down (not). "You did wait, and I would like you to wait a while longer." Grace is DEFINITELY cool with that (not). So then they have the Getting Tested Talk and they're both so up for it! Not. Since Grace had sex with Jack who had sex with Adrian who had sex with EVERYONE, Grant thinks she should get tested but not him. Natch.
Grace: We only had sex one time AND we used a condom.
Grant: The entire time you used a condom?
Grace: What? I don't know! I don't remember, anyway! He took care of ...that. I wasn't paying attention to that.
Grant: Yeah yeah I know, because you were enjoying it so much.
Dudes, Grace REALLY wants to get it on. I like Bossy Horny Grace way way better than Preachy Annoying Grace.
Tom is now Vice President of Human Resources at some faceless corporation! The only ONLY positive thing I have ever found about this show (and I'm not even sure it's legit) is the treatment of Tom - as a guy with Downs Syndrome, he's still totally treated as another normal person by all the other characters and he can be pretty feisty.
Madison has a new bf who's 20. ("Dad, I can't HELP how old he is!") Jack is butthurt, but her dad is even less stoked.
Madison's dad: While you're in high school, I want you date someone who's in high school, PLEASE.
Madison: That's the thing dad! He IS in high school! Well kind of. He's at a technical high school. He went back for his diploma. He had to drop out because of some family problems, but he went back, and I think that's admirable.
I love her.
Housekeeping: Lauren's boring boyfriend who we've never seen but hear a LOT about broke up with her, citing the classic "We'll Probably Break Up Later Anyway". Oh BOYS. Henry and Alice are still together, we still don't get to hear much about them. The kid who plays John is still ADORABLE.
George decided to get all wifey and cooks dinner for the girls every night and never goes out. Jennifer Coolidge is still an awesome, inexplicable part of the show. Bunny is still by far my favorite character. Molly Ringwald showed up momentarily but didn't actually DO anything.
Ricky: With? No, I'm not with [Amy], we're just dating. But thanks for asking.
SURPRISE ENDING: Ricky's mom is back????? George has no girlfriend apparently??? Madison's older dude??? Adrian wearing white (instead of red) 24/7???? Stay tuned!!
-hannah
