Previously on The Secret Life of the American Teenager:

Ben & Adrian are pregnant with a girl and are making puppy-eyes at each other. Amy wants to boink Ricky, and is waiting on his STD test to decide she wants to get married first. Jack slept around more than Grace thought, so she needs to have an STD test too before Grant will sleep with her. She REALLY doesn't want one, so Grant REALLY won't sleep with her. Ricky's mom showed up to town and is crashing at his place.

Nora: Wow, this is kind of. Sick. My son is dating a woman who looks like his mother. Not dating. Worse. Wow.

They REALLY don't look that much alike except for being skinny white girls with long brown hair. Do respect Amy allowing it to be Ricky's decision to let mom into John's life (although I'm pretty sure any real parent would have been like NOPE YOUR EX-CON MOM DOESN'T GET TO HANG OUT WITH MY KID, LATER). Ricky is weirded out by the association of his mom and Amy.

Ricky: You don't look like my mother even if you look like my mother.


LOOK AT HIS EARS C: C: C:

Grace and Jack have a talk and... DRUMROLL PLS... an actually decently emotionally effective scene.

Jack: You know, I was good this summer. I didn't do anything and, whoo, I had plenty of opportunities to do everything.
Grace: Yeah, apparently you've always had plenty of opportunities to do everything. And you always took full advantage of those opportunities.
Jack: Not always. And I don't really need or want to do that anymore. Take advantage of every opportunity.
Grace: So you had had sex before we had sex.
Jack: I thought you would have had assumed that.
Grace: Uh!
Jack: I kinda did it because you didn't want me having sex with other girls, so I just thought you knew I had sex with other girls.
Grace: No, not really! I knew that you did what you did with Adrian but I didn't... ugh! You had sex not oral sex, sex with her?
Jack: Look, I told you to go get tested. What more do you want from me? This is as honest as I care to get with an ex-girlfriend who's seeing someone else! And you know what? I need my space.


GOD JACK IS THE WORST. This is the only part of this show so far where I have actually felt emotions beyond This Is The Worst Writing Ever for any character. Kudos to the actress who plays Grace - the first time I watched this scene my heart was really going out to the girl. He totally betrayed her and she is hurting. Apparently this is the clincher and she is Never. Having. Sex. Ever. Again.

Ah but then Grant shows up and says he loves her so everything's okay.

Grant: Come on, you disease-ridden skank, you know I love you.

So the sex is back on!!! Grace is gonna get tested. They managed to shoot him from the least flattering angle so through the entire scene I am thinking about how unfortunate his face is ;_;

Ben wants to move in with Adrian so he can clean up poopy diapers in the middle of the night I guess, and she's not down?

Adrian: Ben, we're not ready to live together!
Ben: We're not ready to have a baby together, but we're having a baby and I wanna be with you and the baby.
Adrian: I know, and I really appreciate that you've so stepped up the plate here, Ben. And you've just been been so responsible and kind and considerate and everything else but...
Ben: *puppy eyes*
Adrian: I'm not living with you! Okay! I'm definitely not living with you unless we're married.


HIS FUCKING FACE. It's like this kid's life is hell unless he has a wife in the works. UGGH Adrian's all "THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEAAAANT" but you know with the way her character is progressing their asses are as good as hitched in three episodes. Leo gives sage SAGE advice, telling Ben to wait 'til a year after the baby is born.

Ben: A year? My daughter's supposed to walk around a YEAR without knowing her mother and father are married?
Leo: They don't walk the first year.

DAAAAAAADDD I WANNA GET MARRIED RIGHT NOOOWWWWW god what a nerd

Madison's dad is trying to get her back together with Jack.


Dad: This is your opportunity to get back in the game, son! And when you get back in the game, just... remember what the rules of the game are.
Jack: Yes, sir. Is there any kind of compromising on that?

WHY ARE THEY ALL SO CREEPER AND WEIRD. It seems like everyone is pretty skeptical about this new boyfriend.




Amy: Don't tell me you broke up with Jack for this Stanley guy.

...even Amy's dumb ass knows what a weirdo he is. CAN'T BLAME HER BECAUSE HE LITERALLY LOOKS 35


Madison's dad: He's simple, and again, creepy! Why would you wanna go out with him.
Madison: Because he likes me! He really likes me! He says nice things to me :(
Madison's dad: Like what?
Madison: I don't know... like that I smell nice and that my hair's pretty and I have a great body :) :)
Madison's dad: WHAT??
Madison: What? I do!!!


God, I love her. Why don't they let her be awesome?

Madison: EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT THE FOOD COURT IS LIKE A STEAMING BOWL OF STYROFOAM AND SEX
Madison's dad: The food court is where people have breakfast, lunch, and dinner while shopping.

Aaaaand Ashley's still tryin'a be homeschooled. Molly Ringwald is fine with it, and George is not, probably because it requires more work for him. "This is broken home schooling." He's scheming with Griffin to get Ashley back in regular school.


Have I ever mentioned how Griffin is a big part of my love for this show?

George: Why are you doing this? Is it because your mother and I are divorced?
Ashley. Most kids' parents are divorced. No one cares.

So, tune in next week to count down the seconds til Adrian accepts Ben's proposal, Grace forces herself on Grant, and Madison does..... something cool and adorable!

-hannah